


Did I ever really know her?

by Terfle



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst, Bitterness, Doctors & Physicians, Gen, Post-Divorce
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 08:57:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14101896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Terfle/pseuds/Terfle
Summary: Marcus stomps over to his ex-wife's workplace only to have it out with her lover





	Did I ever really know her?

_He remembered her. She'd been furious with them both for their unprofessional conduct on her ward, darting between them and bellowing at them to go and find a private room instead of airing their dirty laundry. Bernie was shocked. She thought that Serena was her friend but right at that moment, she had looked at her with hard obstinate eyes, challenging her to fix this mess or else. To her credit, Marcus thought, she was trying her best to be impartial. The bomb that had just been dropped on him was still smouldering, scorching his brain and burning his heart. He almost felt sick, knowing what Bernie had done to him, their kids, wrecked their family. They had been happy until a couple of years ago, hadn't they?_

He posed the same question to her now, sat in a chair in her office. She looked a bit different now, hair silvery grey but eyes just as sharp. Like obsidian. Like Bernie's. A similar shade of dark. He hadn't realised that. He'd become restless and walked into the hospital to find Bernie. He didn't know why. He didn't even know if she was working that night. He found Serena, leaning against her desk looking for some folders, someone who didn't seem that surprised to see him after the first few seconds of realisation.

'She was content in a way because she didn't know anything else. Later on she became restless. It doesn't mean that she loves the kids any less.'

'What about me?'

'She loved you in her own way. But she was never in love with you.'

'Why didn't she marry someone else?'

Serena sighed and thought about how to phrase it.

'Little girls are told that one day, they'll be pretty and their prince charming will drop by and rescue them and they'll live happily ever after. That's what you're told to expect and if it doesn't happen, more pity on you. Most girls grow up with it being rammed down their throats until they don't realise that there can be any other way to live. We all learn later on. It's all being sold as romance to the point that you'll accept anything just to feel validated, even if he treats you badly. When you're watching the other girls start to pursue their happy ending and there's not one single boy that either approaches you or makes you feel anything, anything at all, you're grateful not just to the one boy who does but to yourself, for allowing you to feel that way for him.'

'So she took the first boy that would have her?' He declared bitterly.

She shook her head.

'She took the only boy that would have her. If she'd let the opportunity go she might never have found anyone. That's how it feels when you're young and you can't see the horizon. We've all been there. Can't you remember?' She appealed to him.

'For us girls, there's only so long you can hold out for before people judge you to be deficient in some way. It must feel awful to be devoid of the ability to feel something for someone.'

He grudgingly thought about it.

'It's taken until turning 50 for her to finally know what it means to be in love with someone, to feel sexual attraction, to feel a deep connection. It ended up being with Alex and although it didn't last, she understands more now than she ever did.'

He twitched at the mention of the woman who had helped his ex-wife break up their marriage.

'Were you…?'

'What? Involved? Absolutely not.'

He hadn't thought so but he had wondered. She had been angry at Bernie. He broached the topic with her.

'Yes I was angry.'

'Why?' He was curious now.

'Because I thought she was my friend. She'd known about my ex-husband and his cheating, lying arse and she hadn't told me that she'd been one too. I'd finally forgiven her and then she buggered off to Kiev. She didn't answer any messages and safe to say it was awkward when she came back. I'd pity shagged my ex-boyfriend in the meantime and nothing had changed between us. If she were anyone else, I would have borne that grudge against her to back and beyond.'

'Why didn't you?'

'I thought about it. I wanted to. But I was too in love with her to see it through. With the exception of my daughter, pretty much nobody got a pass, least of all my ex-husband. She's nothing like Edward. That made all the difference. She's not a bad person, she never meant to unleash the harm that she did. But when you've trapped yourself in a net that chokes you with every year that passes, it becomes too late to escape unscathed and you have to take everyone down with you just to breathe. Just to confess, let alone live the life you thought about living. Imagine burying something so important for most of your life, all of those niggling thoughts tapping away at the back of your mind hinting at something you'd barely believed of yourself. It took her a long time to realise why she was so lacklustre about her marriage and sex. You just weren't right for each other.'

'We were a good family' he pleaded, trying to make himself believe it.

'On paper. She kept at it because she thought that was what she was supposed to do. She needed this marriage to feel normal. To be like everyone else. But it was never going to make her happy.'

'I thought I knew her.'

'You do. Bits of her. You'll always have that history and you have the kids and she was content with that up until a few years ago. But I think you feel that way because she's shattered that vision you had of her. There was a side to her she didn't know had existed and it shocked her when it finally showed itself, in the worst possible circumstance no less. But despite that, it could never have been with you.'

Putting it that way, Marcus could get a glimmer of what was going on inside Bernie's head when she had careered towards the path of no return.

'She'll never be what you want her to be, Marcus.'

'Frigid dyke' he snarled at her, incensed at the thought of Bernie responding to someone else in a way she'd never done with him. Accepted his advances affectionately but distantly, her mind often somewhere else. Occasionally he saw a flash in her gaze and felt the whisper of her fingers on his skin that hinted of a peek of sensuality but she'd gently kept him at arm's length. He couldn't get through to her.

'Not with me she isn't.'

He stayed silent, annoyed at himself for coming out with such an uncouth phrase. She knew it.

'Don't ever use those words again just because you didn't get what you thought you were getting' she told him, quietly but forcefully.

He put his head in his hands in despair. Three years on and he was still trying to get used to his new bitter lonely life. He'd tried to ruin her and he had, she'd been cast off to drift away from their former life with not a friend to run to. None of those other married couples wanted to know her anymore. The speculation about how her army career worked within her marriage had been enough to condemn her, although she'd walked through it seemingly unaffected. He'd never known if she really had been oblivious to it all. The kids had gone along with the damning statements he'd suggested and she should have been broken but she wasn't. There was a steel backbone in there, something he'd overlooked in favour of her quiet, reserved manner. Once he'd seen her in action he'd started to look at her differently; the authoritarian bark of orders, the confident personality he hadn't realised she'd possessed, had floored him. He wanted to see more of that in their relationship but she'd shied away from it. That bashful hair tuck gesture still softened him, made him want to love her regardless. But she wasn't willing to be a bambi anymore with him. She'd shown her hand and she was tough. Tougher than he was, apparently. If it had been him, he never would have lived it down, nor did he doubt she'd be as vindictive to him. He relayed all of this to Serena who didn't look surprised. He felt like he could tell her anything and she'd understand where he was coming from, even if she didn't agree with it.

What he didn't tell her was what he'd been doing recently. He felt like a fool for stalking Bernie but it was on his mind too much. He'd seen them together outside, the way they looked at each other. Cam was right, there had been something going on before they'd known it. The kiss was scorching, enough to take his breath away. He hadn't known she was capable of it and was rather aroused by the sight. He asked Serena when she'd known, was she always…gay?

'Never' she informed him. 'There was no question how much I liked men, I was a fool enough to marry the worst one I'd ever met and wish we'd just had our daughter without that legal attachment but up until now, I'd never even considered it. If you'd told me five years ago that I'd be in this position I would have laughed. But with Bernie, there was this connection that we hadn't been aware of having with anyone before. It was this whisper that lay under every interaction we had. It took some time but she'd kissed me and I'd kissed her back and we pretended it was nothing the day after but on the day she had accepted the Kiev secondment, everything exploded. I'd kissed her then. She broke my heart when she ran away yet again and I'd kissed her when she came back, despite vowing not to, thanks to my nephew locking us into the office. It's something neither of us saw happening but we're not willing to live without it anymore. Not without each other. It just works. Please say you understand?'

He had a feeling that he just might.

**Bernie lay in wait, safely hidden and in earshot, too cowardly to approach him even now. He wanted answers she couldn't give him but Serena was much better with words and had said it for her. She owed that woman, big time.**


End file.
